As anyone who has read more than two blogs here can tell, I get stressed easily by this game. Which is funny when you consider my line of work requires me to have a calm disposition and analyze / solve problems. Great at my job, horrible at this game. Well, whatever.
A conversation a few days ago put me on this huge thinking path. I was just bitching (well, whining) to one of my friends about things here, and he asked me a very simple question that I couldn't directly answer.
"What's your goal?"
Damn you, Swk. Making me think so much. Honestly, I couldn't tell him. You know how you have people that are experts in certain aspects? They can work magic in any one thing, which makes them seem like they can do anything. That's not me. I'm no expert in anything, but I can do some of everything. I realize I'm that way in life as well as this game. However, that doesn't work so well for FFXI as it does in reality.
He asked me what I was working on, and I started listing several things. I have partial currency for a relic, items for 5 Empyrean weapons, a plethora of +2 items, all sorts of abjurations, and various sorts of other things that aren't done. The first thing he told me, after saying "wow", was "focus". That has always been my issue, and I believe it could also be the source of my stress.
I'm too scattered. My fear of being inadequate for linkshells and groups has put me on this path to improve without focusing on what I want to improve on. When it comes down to it, you can spend your entire time in FFXI working on one single class. Me? I'm working on everything that a person could ask me to change to. Stressing out over getting a Tessera Saio, or my Enhancing magic capped, or pissy because I haven't got an Armada Hauberk yet. Upset over my perceived lack of usefulness due to not having level 99 weapons. All this stuff can make you crazy.
So now, I realize what I need is a plan. This is harder than it sounds, because planning means I have to do something I am definitely not comfortable with: asking for help. Most of what I do is by myself, which is also what leads to me being so scattered. I do what I can by myself, and then switch to something else until someone happens to be available to help me with what I was doing before. Of course, since I won't ask for help, I end up moving on to several projects by the time someone is available. Then I stress out because I don't have inventory space and all these unfinished projects that I've obligated myself to do. It's a vicious circle, and I understand that it's my doing.
The next question is, "What do I do to fix it?" Well, I'm not going to just trash everything that I've done and promise to do things one at a time because that would be stupid. I'm going to need some help, both with getting projects done and also keeping myself from getting into this position in the first place. Easier said than done for me, but it has to be done. I know I'm not going to stick to a single project because I'll get bored if I can't work on it constantly. So I'll do a few things and leave it at that. Truly, just a few things.
One other thing that I've been having difficulty with is money. Not only in making it, but spending it. Granted, I don't have the umpteen bazillion gil that I see many of these others with, but I can afford to spend some money on a few upgrades. Which is exactly what I started doing. Part of improving requires some purchases. Sure, there are better options out there which are r/ex, but until I can get that, I have to get at least something. Small upgrades here and there, but they will all help out in the long run. Not to mention, it's hard to be taken seriously if you're too afraid to put in effort or risk being broke just so you can make yourself better.
Speaking of scattered, I'm trying to write this blog while doing Voidwatch. I really need to stop multi-tasking so much.
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
February 3, 2013
January 28, 2013
That didn't take long
What day did I come back here? Saturday, I think. So it's Monday morning and I'm already having panic attacks. Damn this game, I swear.
Last night, I was invited to hang out and help with The Hills Are Alive KSNM. As luck would have it, I also needed the egg from that fight and just happened to have exactly 99 Kindred Seals left to my name. So I switched to Dark Knight in order to help out with skillchains (Samurai would've been better, but I was lazy) and headed to the battlefield. We didn't do many fights...4 total, I think, but we ended up going 2/4 with the eggs. As it turns out, I was one of the two lucky winners. So now I have all three items to get a black belt for my Monk class that I have sorely neglected. Yay me!
Hoping to skip past the nonsense of the purple and brown belt quests, I borrowed a brown belt from Bey and ran to Neptune's Spire. Of course it couldn't be that easy. Head held down, I walked out of the spire and looked up where all these stupid NMs spawn. Due to my packrat nature, I had most of what I needed for both belts. I was just missing Nue's Fang, Malborger's Vine, and a Rampaging Horn. Off to Nue I go, I suppose.
I didn't spend much time out there before it spawned, and I was lucky to go 1/1 with it. That made me happy. So next up was that damn Marlboro. After spending what seemed like an hour just to reach the spawn location, I was somewhat thankful in the knowledge that no one could possibly stumble upon this NM by accident and kill it out of boredom. To reach this thing, you have to want to find it. I arrive at the spawn location and notice it isn't around. Son of a bitch. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to come kill this thing when I want to do my quest? People are so inconsiderate. Looking at the spawn conditions, I realize this isn't something I'm just going to sit and wait for. 21-24 hour timed spawn. Yeah, screw that. However! It was 10am and we had an impending update coming. I figured maybe we'd have a server reset and the NM would spawn when they came back up. I let myself time out there during maintenance and hopped on as soon as the servers were back. To my dismay, no NM. So I'm back to being flustered. Next I decide to run out and find this Rampaging Ram. Naturally, I've been out here for 2.5 hours with no spawn.
The frustration level was rising, and I'm already recovering from the flu. Added stress isn't something I should be pursuing. While doing all this, I'm watching some chatter in an LS that I'm visiting (I don't consider myself a memeber right now). Of course, by no fault of their own, it's the usual "x event is so easy, I can solo such-and-such NM, look at all my shinies" conversation that takes places everywhere I try to avoid. Chatter like that directly hits my self-esteem for whatever reason, and compound that with the frustration over this quest and I began to feel myself slipping away into that void of self-doubt that I seem to find myself in more often than not.
Before I let myself go completely, I zoned out for a moment. I have to stop doing this to myself. The reality of it is that I truly am trying too damn hard to keep up with people. That's where I'm wrong. I don't have to keep up. What I have to do is be me. That is what got me to the point where I am today as a player. Of course, this doesn't mean that I will give up my desire to have nice things. That's stupid. I am still going to work on my Empyreans, and one day, I will have a relic. I want to join a Neo-Nyzul Isle static and get awesome gear from there, as well as do the new Einherjar and Limbus. By no means is this is a declaration of living contently with what I have no and relinquish all desire to improve. It is; however, a realization that if I don't stop swatting the ghost of my own iniquity, that I am going to cause myself serious pain.
Over time, I have come to develop that elitist mentality, and I am worse off for it. I have a saying in my bazaar, "You are what you believe yourself to be." It's true, and I am becoming a victim of such thoughts. I believe that I am not a good enough player to be considered among the upper echelon of people. I have had numerous people say things to the contrary, but my self-esteem doesn't allow me to believe them. I've run parses and have come out on top or within the top 3 during several fights. I am not some incompetent person who operates without a clue and just "lols" through every screw up. I learn from my mistakes and always strive to improve. I have blogs written about me by my friends. I don't know what I've done, but I must have done "something" right in my time here.
Sure, my name my never appear in the FFXIAH listing, and I might live my entire FFXI life without more than a handful of people who know who I am. However, those who do know me have stated many times that they enjoy my presence. Hell, some of them even adore me, and I adore them. That means something. Will I ever reach the ranks of the top-end players? Probably not, and I have to learn to be ok with that. Chasing the love of those who don't know me while shunning the love of those next to me will inevitably leave me a very lonely and isolated player...as well as a person.
So, I'll continue my farming of these stupid ass NMs and slowly make my way to having another Empyrean weapon. I'll work on the rest of my projects and finish what I can in the time that I can afford to give them. If hanging out with my friends means that I don't get whatever awesome item is out at the exact moment of release, that's ok too. What matters is that I don't lose myself in the process, and that I keep those precious few friends of mine close. Ranking be damned.
Of course, saying this is easy. Making myself believe it and stick to it will be the challenge. I can do it, right?
Last night, I was invited to hang out and help with The Hills Are Alive KSNM. As luck would have it, I also needed the egg from that fight and just happened to have exactly 99 Kindred Seals left to my name. So I switched to Dark Knight in order to help out with skillchains (Samurai would've been better, but I was lazy) and headed to the battlefield. We didn't do many fights...4 total, I think, but we ended up going 2/4 with the eggs. As it turns out, I was one of the two lucky winners. So now I have all three items to get a black belt for my Monk class that I have sorely neglected. Yay me!
Hoping to skip past the nonsense of the purple and brown belt quests, I borrowed a brown belt from Bey and ran to Neptune's Spire. Of course it couldn't be that easy. Head held down, I walked out of the spire and looked up where all these stupid NMs spawn. Due to my packrat nature, I had most of what I needed for both belts. I was just missing Nue's Fang, Malborger's Vine, and a Rampaging Horn. Off to Nue I go, I suppose.
I didn't spend much time out there before it spawned, and I was lucky to go 1/1 with it. That made me happy. So next up was that damn Marlboro. After spending what seemed like an hour just to reach the spawn location, I was somewhat thankful in the knowledge that no one could possibly stumble upon this NM by accident and kill it out of boredom. To reach this thing, you have to want to find it. I arrive at the spawn location and notice it isn't around. Son of a bitch. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to come kill this thing when I want to do my quest? People are so inconsiderate. Looking at the spawn conditions, I realize this isn't something I'm just going to sit and wait for. 21-24 hour timed spawn. Yeah, screw that. However! It was 10am and we had an impending update coming. I figured maybe we'd have a server reset and the NM would spawn when they came back up. I let myself time out there during maintenance and hopped on as soon as the servers were back. To my dismay, no NM. So I'm back to being flustered. Next I decide to run out and find this Rampaging Ram. Naturally, I've been out here for 2.5 hours with no spawn.
The frustration level was rising, and I'm already recovering from the flu. Added stress isn't something I should be pursuing. While doing all this, I'm watching some chatter in an LS that I'm visiting (I don't consider myself a memeber right now). Of course, by no fault of their own, it's the usual "x event is so easy, I can solo such-and-such NM, look at all my shinies" conversation that takes places everywhere I try to avoid. Chatter like that directly hits my self-esteem for whatever reason, and compound that with the frustration over this quest and I began to feel myself slipping away into that void of self-doubt that I seem to find myself in more often than not.
Before I let myself go completely, I zoned out for a moment. I have to stop doing this to myself. The reality of it is that I truly am trying too damn hard to keep up with people. That's where I'm wrong. I don't have to keep up. What I have to do is be me. That is what got me to the point where I am today as a player. Of course, this doesn't mean that I will give up my desire to have nice things. That's stupid. I am still going to work on my Empyreans, and one day, I will have a relic. I want to join a Neo-Nyzul Isle static and get awesome gear from there, as well as do the new Einherjar and Limbus. By no means is this is a declaration of living contently with what I have no and relinquish all desire to improve. It is; however, a realization that if I don't stop swatting the ghost of my own iniquity, that I am going to cause myself serious pain.
Over time, I have come to develop that elitist mentality, and I am worse off for it. I have a saying in my bazaar, "You are what you believe yourself to be." It's true, and I am becoming a victim of such thoughts. I believe that I am not a good enough player to be considered among the upper echelon of people. I have had numerous people say things to the contrary, but my self-esteem doesn't allow me to believe them. I've run parses and have come out on top or within the top 3 during several fights. I am not some incompetent person who operates without a clue and just "lols" through every screw up. I learn from my mistakes and always strive to improve. I have blogs written about me by my friends. I don't know what I've done, but I must have done "something" right in my time here.
Sure, my name my never appear in the FFXIAH listing, and I might live my entire FFXI life without more than a handful of people who know who I am. However, those who do know me have stated many times that they enjoy my presence. Hell, some of them even adore me, and I adore them. That means something. Will I ever reach the ranks of the top-end players? Probably not, and I have to learn to be ok with that. Chasing the love of those who don't know me while shunning the love of those next to me will inevitably leave me a very lonely and isolated player...as well as a person.
So, I'll continue my farming of these stupid ass NMs and slowly make my way to having another Empyrean weapon. I'll work on the rest of my projects and finish what I can in the time that I can afford to give them. If hanging out with my friends means that I don't get whatever awesome item is out at the exact moment of release, that's ok too. What matters is that I don't lose myself in the process, and that I keep those precious few friends of mine close. Ranking be damned.
Of course, saying this is easy. Making myself believe it and stick to it will be the challenge. I can do it, right?
June 3, 2010
Removing the blindfold
I haven't let out a nice rant in awhile, so I think it's time for one. However, this isn't me bitching about something stupid that SE has done, or about failed event. Nah, this is a tad different. It's a rant about me.
I don't know when it happened but, at some point in my Vana'dielian existence, I started carrying a really negative opinion of myself. I look down on everything I do, and make it seem as if everyone else is so much better than I could ever hope to be. It's actually become rather severe, to the point where I won't even change to some of the jobs I've taken to 75 out of fear that I wouldn't be good enough.
I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment when I started this thought process. Mainly so I could slap the shit out of myself and make me realize how stupid it was. Maybe it was all the forum reading at Bluegartr and FFXIAH. It could've been all the shouts in Whitegate about how "gimp" a person is and that they don't belong. Or me watching LS chat and seeing so many people brag about things they have and how high all their stats are. I don't exactly know. However, what I do know is this: it ends now.
I've literally spent almost my entire time here thinking that I'm not good enough. My blog is evidence of that. I put myself down and say I'm gimp even on my own damn blog. I should be talking myself up about how awesome I am and shit like that. Bragging about all the things I've accomplished and the gear I've picked up. Instead, I mention that I'm happy for getting something, and still call myself gimp.
You might wonder why I'm even going on about this. It's pretty simple. I got invited to a Salvage run tonight. That's not something phenomenal on its own, but what happened inside is what opened my eyes. Prior to entry, when people were getting jobs assigned, I assumed I'd be the backup RDM. Sit at the backline and just help the real players do their thing. After all, it's Salvage. This is where the elitist live. The best of the best, the cream of the crop. The best gear in the game can only be obtained here.
Surprisingly, I was asked to come as a Samurai. The only Samurai.
Needless to say, I was scared as hell. I just knew I was going to be the weak link. Something I would do in there would cause the entire run to fail. We wouldn't be able to kill enemies fast enough, or I wouldn't be able to survive, or any of a thousand other reasons in my head that made me think it was a bad idea. We got our group together and went inside. I was nervous that I'd lot the wrong cells, so I grabbed my weapon cell and passed everything else.
At that moment, I was making those negative thoughts a reality. By giving all of the cells to everyone else, I was basically ensuring that I would do poorly. A few minutes later, I pulled my head out of my ass and started lotting. I'm a Sam and it was my job to kill shit. That's exactly what I did. You know what else? I did a damn good job too.
That's been my problem all this time. I'm the reason that I haven't been as good as I could be. I am forever holding myself back, thinking that if I really put forth the effort to improve, I'm going to fail and be the screw up that I think everyone expects me to be. I don't go to merit parties for that very reason. Thinking that I won't have enough MP to keep everyone alive, or that I won't do enough damage as DD and wind up being laughed at on a forum somewhere.
That's just stupid. I have no reason to think that way. I've been taught by some downright fantastic people. Bhinasha, Yoko, Davik, Miliani, EP, Dizzmal, Cal, Jeffil, Brim, Quig, Saren...the list is huge. All this negative bullshit I carry around is a slap in the face to each one of them and completely negates all the things they've done for me.
The point of all this is pretty simple. No more of this "Jaci is gimp" shit. I'm not going to look down on myself for not having what everyone else has. What I have is pretty damn good. Is it the "best" available? Maybe not, but I don't care anymore. I'll get the best in time, and if I don't, then I'll just be the best I can be with what I have.
I have twelve level 75 jobs, and I'm good with each and every one of them. I wish it didn't take me so long to realize that.
Oh, and for those of you who helped feed this negativity that I've been carrying for so long: piss off. I don't need your approval to know that I'm a good player. All I had to do was take off that blindfold, and I can see just how good I really am.
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