The Ugly Truth

So...

I tried to quit. I really did.

Yeah. Didn't work out so well.

I wish I could give a solid answer as to why though. This game drives me nuts. I've never had this much stress and anger over a game in my life. I missed my friends. I can give a few more reasons, but I came to accept one very unfortunate fact:

I'm addicted.

It took a good deal of thought to come to this conclusion, but I don't see any other answer. Granted, I'm a functional addict. I get up and go to work everyday, pay my bills, take care of myself, etc., etc. I also find that I sign on to this game and stand in Port Jeuno, sometimes for a couple of hours at a time. Then I get upset that there are no shouts, or that the people I missed so much are out doing their own thing and I'm not with them. Then I continue to stand in town, just watching.

This is the point where common sense should kick in and tell me to get the hell off the game and go play Dance Central or read a book. Nope. Instead I stand there, watching the players. Watching the constant retarded shouts of people. The spamming of Fell Cleave parties that people pay to join so can they leech there way to 99. I just stand here, waiting. Afraid to sign off in fear that I might miss that Provenance shout so I can have a .0000000000000001% shot at getting an item that will be obsolete by the time I get it.  Worried that if I leave, a friend might sign on, or I'll miss a chance at something else. I have stood in one spot long enough for the auto-disconnect feature to kick in after an hour. Then I immediately log-in and stand in that same damn spot until I disconnect again. It used to be that if I couldn't find something to do within a few minutes, I'd sign off and do something else, or fall asleep while logged on.

I don't understand why this game gets to me the way it does. The desire to have things that don't matter here is overwhelming. Hours of life, gone and for what? I'm not about to say that people who play this game are wasting time, because it's obvious. That's not what I mean. What's the driving force that makes us want things so bad? I talked about a relic weapon months ago when it seemed like the impossible dream. Now, people appear with a new relic on a near-weekly basis. I've seriously put some thought into just buying gil so I could have a weapon and be among the "in-crowd." Granted, I haven't done it because I'm both too proud and too cheap to spend my hard-earned money on virtual currency. Still, there have been many days where the thought enters my mind and I don't immediately dismiss it. I've contemplated botting and all sorts of other means. I've done none of them, but damn if I don't think about it.

I'm addicted to this game and the feeling of believing that I can be more than an anonymous face in a crowd of thousands. Feeling that the ranking of FFXIAH will somehow make me important in the eyes of the players, or getting a relic and standing around the guide stone of Port Jeuno will mean that I am now an accomplished player.

This is truly not a good thing.