March 23, 2013

It's different this time...

I came to realize something last night.  Well, I suppose you could say this morning.

I went back to work on making my little popsicle semi-useful by finishing my Itzpapalotl trial.  As I mentioned before, it wasn't nearly as difficult as Glavoid.  I am so glad to be rid of that stupid-ass worm forever.  Of course, I know I'm going to end up fighting it again to help out friends and that doesn't bother me.  They would be the ones feeling the frustration, not me.  As a matter of fact, I happened to notice that I had a little something extra in my belongings, and I'd like to share what I did with it (in the chat log).  While it may seem trivial, it feels so good to know that there is nothing that I will ever need that item for again.  So long Glavoid, you ulgly, cheap-ass, good-for-nothing bastard.  The next time I see you, I'll probably use a brew just on principle.

With that said, I owe many people thanks.  Of course, I said thank you to some when I received the level 80 version of the Twashtar.  It doesn't matter.  People helped me, and I want to thank them.  It was actually kind of funny with the amount of people who came out for Itzpapalotl.  Some were there who honestly didn't need a thing and just wanted to help.  I can never thank you all enough for the kindness.  There are many days that even I struggle to be as selfless as some of you, and it's humbling.  Sometimes, it's even embarrassing.

This marks my 5th functional Empyrean weapon.  As a matter of fact, having five Empyreans is probably laughable by the standards of most high-end linkshells, to include my own.  I never talk about what I have in an LS chat because I know how some people can be.  They'll include a link to the items they have which are better than mine, followed by that horribly sarcastic smiling emote, " :) ".   A constant show of e-peen to let others know that you'll never be as good as they are.  I'm certain some of you have tons more than I do, but that isn't the point I'm making right now. Quite truthfully, this can be a blog post in its own right, so I'll save my thoughts for then.  Back to the subject at hand.

While in Attohwa, I happened to say thanks to the group that was helping me at the time.  What I received were some comments that somewhat surprised me.  LB said thanks for being so cool; Boss said "anytime, babez", and Goddess said it's "cause we love ya."  Even Dier thanked me for being a great friend.  I've been complimented before...many times, in fact.  But last night, those compliments stung a bit.

We had some difficulties getting the last few scales.  Mainly because I was a fool and didn't pay attention to how much time I had left.  So, with several people who came to help out...I timed out in the zone.  I don't think I've been so embarrassed.  Even still, they waited.  They went to play other games or go eat, but they waited.  I felt so bad, but they stayed until the end.  After gathering the items and taking a screenshot for this blog, everyone left to get a good night's rest.  That's when it happened.

There I was, standing in Ru'Lude Gardens with my shiny, and truly useable, popsicle.  I hadn't even used it to see Rudra's Storm for myself.  It doesn't matter how many times you've seen someone else use a weaponskill, it's a different feeling when it's done by you.  Almost immediately after finishing the trial, I began to think about what to do next.  I don't mean in terms of another weapon since we all know that I have several others in my sight.  However, that's exactly what caused this thought.  I realized I wasn't satisfied.  Here I am, sitting pretty with five Empyreans.  I have friends who don't even have one, or just managed to finish their first.  Yet I'm the one who's always down on myself, saying how gimp I am or how little I have.

That's a problem.  A very big problem.  When I signed off, I thought about that for awhile, and I became angry.  Over the years of playing this game, I have let other people define me.  I put aside my own self-worth and let the words of complete strangers dictate how I feel about myself. I've made mention of things like this before, and I promise that this won't be a "woe is me" post or anything like that.  What was different between then and now is that I never bothered to say how I felt after the thought.

What I want to say to everyone, is that I'm sorry.  I am so sorry that I lost sight of myself for all this time.  I have been so busy chasing after others that I've literally left myself (and my friends) behind.  Believing that nothing I do is ever good enough.  I feel like such an idiot right now.  Leferich, you were right.  It's a game, and to those who can't see it and treat this as more or have to show off and put others down to make themselves feel better...well, as you say, "fook 'em".

Don't get me wrong.  This isn't a "I'm quitting" post, and I'm still going to play.  I'll be here in the early hours just like always, but the difference is that I'll be here because I want to be.  Not because I feel that I must validate myself in the eyes of others.  I will finish my weapons, eventually, and continue my little quests to improve.  I realize that I don't have to be good enough for others.  I have to be good enough for me.  Why it has taken me 4 years of playing this game to see that is something I'll have to figure out at some point.

That's why those compliments hurt.  It hurt because people believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.  So to have you tell me such nice things was slightly painful.  Sounds pretty stupid, I know.

I'm going to do something that I haven't done before.  I'm going to post this on Guildwork.  Not to the entire FFXI community, because I'm pretty sure they could give less than a damn on how I feel or what I deal with internally.  However, there are several people who are on my Guildwork list that probably don't ever see this blog.  So, while most of my posts are things that I say just for the hell of it, this is something that I want people to see.  At any rate, there's a Qilin shout that I'm about to join, and I might even get to fight Omega afterwards.  Off I go.

Once again, to everyone...I am sorry, and I thank you.