June 3, 2010

Removing the blindfold

I haven't let out a nice rant in awhile, so I think it's time for one. However, this isn't me bitching about something stupid that SE has done, or about failed event. Nah, this is a tad different. It's a rant about me.

I don't know when it happened but, at some point in my Vana'dielian existence, I started carrying a really negative opinion of myself. I look down on everything I do, and make it seem as if everyone else is so much better than I could ever hope to be. It's actually become rather severe, to the point where I won't even change to some of the jobs I've taken to 75 out of fear that I wouldn't be good enough.

I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment when I started this thought process. Mainly so I could slap the shit out of myself and make me realize how stupid it was. Maybe it was all the forum reading at Bluegartr and FFXIAH. It could've been all the shouts in Whitegate about how "gimp" a person is and that they don't belong. Or me watching LS chat and seeing so many people brag about things they have and how high all their stats are. I don't exactly know. However, what I do know is this: it ends now.

I've literally spent almost my entire time here thinking that I'm not good enough. My blog is evidence of that. I put myself down and say I'm gimp even on my own damn blog. I should be talking myself up about how awesome I am and shit like that. Bragging about all the things I've accomplished and the gear I've picked up. Instead, I mention that I'm happy for getting something, and still call myself gimp.

You might wonder why I'm even going on about this. It's pretty simple. I got invited to a Salvage run tonight. That's not something phenomenal on its own, but what happened inside is what opened my eyes. Prior to entry, when people were getting jobs assigned, I assumed I'd be the backup RDM. Sit at the backline and just help the real players do their thing. After all, it's Salvage. This is where the elitist live. The best of the best, the cream of the crop. The best gear in the game can only be obtained here.

Surprisingly, I was asked to come as a Samurai. The only Samurai.

Needless to say, I was scared as hell. I just knew I was going to be the weak link. Something I would do in there would cause the entire run to fail. We wouldn't be able to kill enemies fast enough, or I wouldn't be able to survive, or any of a thousand other reasons in my head that made me think it was a bad idea. We got our group together and went inside. I was nervous that I'd lot the wrong cells, so I grabbed my weapon cell and passed everything else.

At that moment, I was making those negative thoughts a reality. By giving all of the cells to everyone else, I was basically ensuring that I would do poorly. A few minutes later, I pulled my head out of my ass and started lotting. I'm a Sam and it was my job to kill shit. That's exactly what I did. You know what else? I did a damn good job too.

That's been my problem all this time. I'm the reason that I haven't been as good as I could be. I am forever holding myself back, thinking that if I really put forth the effort to improve, I'm going to fail and be the screw up that I think everyone expects me to be. I don't go to merit parties for that very reason. Thinking that I won't have enough MP to keep everyone alive, or that I won't do enough damage as DD and wind up being laughed at on a forum somewhere.

That's just stupid. I have no reason to think that way. I've been taught by some downright fantastic people. Bhinasha, Yoko, Davik, Miliani, EP, Dizzmal, Cal, Jeffil, Brim, Quig, Saren...the list is huge. All this negative bullshit I carry around is a slap in the face to each one of them and completely negates all the things they've done for me.

The point of all this is pretty simple. No more of this "Jaci is gimp" shit. I'm not going to look down on myself for not having what everyone else has. What I have is pretty damn good. Is it the "best" available? Maybe not, but I don't care anymore. I'll get the best in time, and if I don't, then I'll just be the best I can be with what I have.

I have twelve level 75 jobs, and I'm good with each and every one of them. I wish it didn't take me so long to realize that.

Oh, and for those of you who helped feed this negativity that I've been carrying for so long: piss off. I don't need your approval to know that I'm a good player. All I had to do was take off that blindfold, and I can see just how good I really am.


Dizzmal said...

That's a good attitude to have. I will probally never be the best, but I damn well know that I'm not the worst. Keep trying to the best of your ablilties and no one can say a damn thing bad about it.